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Is It Really About Polyamorous Vs. Committed Relationships?

Polyamory Essays August 26, 2019

I AM polyamorous

AND…

ALSO in committed relationships.

It’s not exactly
your grandma’s
brand of commitment
but commitment nonetheless!

Unlike Grandma, I’m no longer interested in living the unrealistic expectation of “forsaking ALL others till death do us part”. Emotional and sexual exclusivity for life may be the definition of commitment for others but it is no longer for me.

I am no longer interested in the kind of commitment where my partners and I cannot express our natural attraction towards another or fully express our natural fears of being abandoned.

These suppressed expressions, rooted in fear, lead to internal shaming I am no longer interested in. This inevitably impacts my partners’ and my ability to dive deep with each other and do even bigger work.

I’m not interested in forcing relationships to continue for months, years or even decades for the sake of “commitment” when they should have naturally transitioned for the benefit of everyone involved.

I am also not interested in the toxic patriarchal narrative where it’s been mostly ok for men to be non-monogamous for millennia while women (men’s property) have been bastardized and even killed for being promiscuous or unfaithful.

All of that is NOT my brand of commitment.

Commitment In Polyamorous Relationships

Like Grandma however, I am committed to building a beautiful life with my primary partners, to co-parent consciously, to communicate
mindfully, to support everyone emotionally, financially, and otherwise… (for as long as it works for everyone involved).

My deepest commitment is to seeing my partners not just survive but THRIVE in our consciously open container, whether that happens only with me or not. There is freedom of choice in a polyamorous relationship.

AND

I wish that everyone we connect with, be it for a reason, season or a long
time, that they too thrive!

No matter what those connections
look like…friend-ships, lover-ships, or something in between, I just hope that all those whose hearts we’ve touched are somehow bettered by knowing us.

So, what does thriving or “bettered” look like?… Well, first it starts with committing to everyone feeling safe, being seen and experiencing meaningful love, nurture and connection.

Those are, after all, the basic foundations to all important relationships or connections.

For me, and this is key, thriving also looks like a commitment to RESPONSIBLE FREEDOM, so that everyone can experience adventure, variety and novelty.

Variety is a core human need that is often ignored within the boundaries of conventional committed relationships.

Thriving also looks like a commitment to “conscious coupling”, by understanding and choosing your matches well.

I believe in GROWING in love responsibly, not just FALLING in love (accidentally).

I also believe in “conscious uncoupling” when connections no longer match.

Meeting Core Needs Through Polyamory

So Why?… Why commit to all this work that comes with traditional committed relationships?

Because growth and service are my spirit’s two biggest needs, and through polyamorous relationships I’ve found a lot of big growth for myself and others.

And I’m not talking about growth that is found in books or workshops. I’m talking about emotional growth, spiritual growth, erotic growth, deep healing, AND a rewarding sense of service that I’ve found in romantic experiences we’ve shared with some very special people.

It is my personal and humble view that through ethical, consensual,
conscious and integrated polyamorous relationships, that our entire love constellation has and will continue to THRIVE.

I think of our constellation as a complex eco-system of beautiful souls each with their own unique map of human needs.

Some are closer to us and some are much father away in time and space. Yet, they all have a very special place in our hearts.

I suspect that we also have a lasting place in their hearts as well.

The basic human needs for certainty, significance and love are well
within most people’s awareness, yet the equally legitimate needs for variety, growth and contribution are often overlooked.

I believe that without the freedom to create variety, growth and contribution in how we relate, that many traditional committed relationships fall into confusing states of stagnation, boredom or resentment towards their partners…everything may look good “on paper”, but something often feels missing!

Those unmet needs can spill into passive aggressive, anxious or avoidant behaviors, when lovers are simply not aware.

I believe that by not meeting this core human needs, many partners lose connection, stop seeing each other, and ultimately start feeling unsafe.

Symptoms include sexless relationships, constant fighting, loneliness or cheating.

For 19 years of my life, I was committed and devoted to my ex wife. She was (and is) a wonderful human being. I was very safe, seen and loved…so was she… yet we were not free to explore with others…not free to grow and contribute in the ways my spirit was yearning to.

Then we evolved, we opened up our marriage, we made some mistakes, we consciously uncoupled, I explored more open relationships and made even more mistakes, evolved even more.

While it’s not perfect, I can say with confidence that my lovers and I are in a polyamorous relationship AND are deeply committed to each other. I wish for this to be the case for anyone brave enough to step into this other beautiful world of ethical, consensual, conscious, polyamorous relationships.

Always in service,
Shai

 

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