Is It Really About Polyamorous Vs. Committed Relationships?

Polyamory Essays | Shai's Journal
Aug 26, 2019

I AM polyamorous,
IN committed relationships.

It’s not exactly
your grandma’s
brand of commitment
but commitment nonetheless!

Unlike Grandma, I’m no longer interested in living the unrealistic expectation of “forsaking ALL others till death do us part”. Emotional and sexual exclusivity for life may be the definition of commitment for others but it is no longer for me.

I am no longer interested in the kind of commitment where my partners and I cannot express our natural attraction towards another or fully express our natural fears of being abandoned.

These suppressed expressions, rooted in fear, lead to internal shaming I am no longer interested in. This inevitably impacts my partners’ and my ability to dive deep with each other and do even bigger work.

I’m not interested in forcing relationships to continue for months, years or even decades for the sake of “commitment” when they should have naturally transitioned for the benefit of everyone involved.

I am also not interested in the toxic patriarchal narrative where it’s been mostly ok for men to be non-monogamous for millennia while women (men’s property) have been bastardized and even killed for being promiscuous or unfaithful.

All of that is NOT my brand of commitment.

Like Grandma however, I am committed to building a beautiful life with my primary partners, to co-parent consciously, to communicate
mindfully, to support everyone emotionally, financially, and otherwise… (for as long as it works for everyone involved).

My deepest commitment is to seeing my partners not just survive but THRIVE in our consciously open container, whether that happens only with me or not. There is freedom of choice.


I wish that everyone we connect with, be it for a reason, season or a long
time, that they too thrive!

No matter what those connections
look like…friend-ships, lover-ships, or something in between, I just hope that all those whose hearts we’ve touched are somehow bettered by knowing us.

what does
thriving or “bettered” look like?…
Well, first it starts with committing to
everyone feeling safe, being seen and
experiencing meaningful love, nurture, and connection.

Those are, after all,
the basic foundations to all important relationships or connections.

For me,
And this is key,
thriving also looks like a commitment
to RESPONSIBLE FREEDOM, so that everyone can experience adventure, variety, and novelty.

Variety is a core human need that is often ignored within the
boundaries of

Thriving also looks like a commitment to “conscious coupling”, by understanding and choosing your matches well.

I believe in GROWING in love responsibly, not just FALLING in love (accidentally).

I also believe in “conscious uncoupling” when connections no longer match.

So Why?… Why commit to all this work that comes with consensual non-monogamy?

Because growth and service are my spirit’s two biggest needs, and through polyamory I’ve found a lot of big growth for myself and others.

And I’m not talking about growth that
is found in books or workshops. I’m
talking about emotional growth,
spiritual growth,
erotic growth,
deep healing,
a rewarding sense of service that I’ve found in romantic experiences we’ve shared with some very special people.

It is my personal and humble view that through ethical, consensual,
conscious and integrated non-monogamy, that our entire love constellation has and will continue to THRIVE.

I think of our constellation as a complex eco-system of beautiful souls each with their own unique map of human needs.

Some are closer to us
And some are much further
away in time and space. Yet, they
all have a very special place in our hearts. I suspect that we also have a lasting place in their hearts as well.

The basic human needs for certainty, significance and love are well
within most people’s
yet the equally legitimate
needs for variety, growth and contribution are often overlooked.

I believe
that without the
freedom to create variety, growth and contribution in how we relate, that many relationships fall into confusing states of stagnation, boredom or resentment towards their partners…everything
may look good “on paper”,
but something often
feels missing!

Those unmet needs can spill into passive aggressive, anxious or avoidant behaviors, when lovers
are simply not aware.

I believe that by not meeting these core human needs, many partners lose connection, stop seeing each
other, and ultimately start
feeling unsafe.

Symptoms include sexless relationships, constant fighting, loneliness or cheating.

For 19 years of my life.
I was committed and devoted to
my ex wife. She was (and is) a wonderful human being. I was very safe, seen and loved…. so was she… yet we were not free to explore with others… not free to grow and
contribute in the ways my spirit
was yearning to.

Then we evolved, we opened up our marriage, we made some mistakes, we consciously uncoupled, I explored more open relationships and made even more mistakes, evolved even more, and today I can say with confidence, that my lovers and
I are polyamorous, thriving,
AND deeply committed to each other…

See we’re committed to everyone
feeling safe,
being seen,
feeling loved
being free
to experience variety,
novelty, and adventure
so that everyone can grow emotionally, spiritually, intellectually, erotically, and have more opportunities to serve
and shine their lights
onto other beautiful

While it’s not perfect, I can say that
most of our “needs jars are filled daily with beautiful multi-colored marbles” AND I wish for this to be the case for anyone brave enough to
step into this other
beautiful world
of ethical,

Always in service,

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