A Letter to my Ego - Polyamory Essay - Leveled Up Love

An Apology Letter to My Ego

Polyamory Essays | Popular | Trauma
Mar 20, 2021

Dear E.,

Forgive me.

I know you get a bad rap.

You are the pariah of the spiritual and conscious community, shouldering blame and shame for limiting people’s potential with your endless fear and doubt.

I know that people with “elevated consciousness” talk about you as if you are some repellant disease, like a leprosy of the spirit.

I know you are the thing that they say should be discarded and steamrolled into submission, or ignored altogether.

I was one of them.

Now, I know better.

I had to know better, because when you rose up to scream foul when I ignored your existence, we paid a steep price.

I know now that you are simply a behavioral adaptation that enabled us to survive very challenging childhood and relationship situations.

We were taught by an unfriendly world that competing for first place and being the best, the prettiest, skinniest, funniest, and most talented girl around would keep us safe in our family and society.

We were taught to hold on to loved ones for dear life because one day, they would inevitably find a better playmate and vanish.

We were taught that girls can be profoundly cruel and men can be breathtakingly careless.
That’s why you tried so valiantly to protect me again when I decided to attempt full-blown polyamory after two decades of monogamous long-term relationships.

You tried to warn me that I hadn’t done the work to heal you so that you wouldn’t need to protect me.
I brushed you off when you tried to alert me that I was allowing others to bulldoze our boundaries, and as a result, our needs were not met.

And I did my best to silence your protests when I was brought to my knees of the experience of sharing so much of our beloved’s time and attention.

Sharing to such a degree that we were no longer thriving.

I didn’t stand up for us, and we paid for it handsomely.

I didn’t realize what I’d put you through until I saw you sitting beside me on that first solo road trip to Sedona years ago, bruised and battered from my reckless neglect.

Please forgive me, you did what you knew best.

When I began listening to you at last, I realized we were worth fighting for.

Our needs were worth fighting for. As a result, today our needs are getting met quite well.
And now, I’m ready for a changing of the guard. ⚔️

You’re still running my show way more than I’d prefer, and still hollering in situations that you don’t need to protect me from.

Through consistent open and vulnerable communication with our beloved, I’ve come to understand that you are hopefully no longer needed.

You still tell me stories that we’re only safe when I’m #1, safe when I’m the only one, and that there isn’t enough love in the world to go around.

I feel more confident than ever that the stories that helped us survive those painful past situations won’t serve us now.

And, they aren’t going to lead me toward the life of open love I desire.

I promise you I will do my best to honor you, listen to you, and heal you.

Our beloved is here to stay, even if he doesn’t stay all the time.

He’s earned our trust, but we must be strong enough to embrace it.

We have to try, because he’s worth it.

I know it isn’t easy being with a man for whom loving more than you isn’t just a passing fancy or occasional bolt of lightning.

Loving more than you is both his identity and his dharma, and that is hard.

But we both know how safe he is when we love more, so we know those old stories are relics of an ancient and outdated mythology.

And I wouldn’t want those stories to plague the people with whom I wish to share my love,

Especially when his “more” is also our “more”.

The wolves from our past must be sealed in their dens, but I can’t do it without your cooperation.
I believe I have found the trained support to walk us hand-in-hand together down our dark highway and lay the wolves to rest.

I believe the spirit medicine I’ve selected for us will facilitate a healing from the root northward, and no longer disintegrate our spirit consciousness from our wounded primal body.

And maybe, just maybe, sharing the fruits of our healing labor as travel companions with our community can be our dharma, too.

Perhaps in that healing, you will trust that my choices will keep us safe, and that you can finally release your perpetual vigilance.

I know that sounds scary because you don’t know what a world looks like for us without you as our overwrought sentinel.

I know it sounds frightening because we don’t have other close lovers right now, and we’re afraid to be alone so much again.

I promise I won’t ignore you if you rise up in protest if my choices lead us to a situation where we are marginalized, abused, or abandoned.

But I will work to examine and soften your cries if all is actually well.

Let’s heal this together, E. You’ll always be the part of me that looks out for our best interest, and I’ll always be grateful to you.

I’m growing up on the inside, and I’m ready to run this show.

I see you,
⦑ lea Ælla ⦒  ♥️

PS – if this letter resonates for you, then you may be interested in taking the deeper journey with at our free webinar, “From Poly Panic to Poly Security”, featuring renowned authors and experts Jessica Fern and KamalaDevi McClure.

Share on

0 Comments

Submit a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

[FREE QUIZ]

Get your Open Relationship Readiness Score

You may enjoy