A Letter to the Man Whose Woman I Love


This guest essay is a companion to our Letter to the Man Who Shares the Woman I Love.

Both letters were inspired by the exquisitely vulnerable essay “A Letter To The Women Who Sleep With My Man” by Wilrieke Sophia.

A Letter to the man who welcomes me into his queen’s kingdom:

Benevolent brother, I have been in your shoes, so I have learned many lessons about how to treat you respectfully. I want to model the commendable qualities which my woman’s man exemplified, as well as the actions he could have taken to help me feel safe and honored.

First, I honor the magnificent success of your union: you have built such a solid foundation of trust from which you can safely venture forth into new waters and welcome in a new face.

I want to learn more about this amazing man that she adores. I want to be inspired by you and see you shine, and I want to witness, and even foster, the two of you shining your light together. I want to be your compersive cheerleader.

I want to only go as fast as is sustainable, and will go out of my way to ask about how to keep you safe, and be delicate around areas that seem ambiguous. I will also try to clearly articulate my boundaries and triggers.

Safety is paramount, so I will explicitly uphold our agreements. Trust is the glue which will hold us close together. I will be transparent about my other partners and my agreements with them. I have few secrets, and will work to foster an environment which encourages honesty and transparency, and perhaps even endears a willingness to share vulnerable truths.

I acknowledge that our relationships will not be symmetrical, in time, energy, or tone: I expect there will be activities and interests which you share and we do not.

I believe that it takes multiple people to truly satisfy someone, and we are both unique beings who bring her something precious and uplifting.

I am a (mostly) complete being with minimal expectations, and have the interest to try and stay present with you both, clearly perceive the landscape and what it has to offer, and ask for only what is in harmony with things exactly as they are. Life is not zero sum, and I don’t want to compete with you in any way.

When the road becomes rocky, I commit to not abandoning either of you. I will stick in there with through disagreements, seeking to understand your perspective, though may also request time to find my center, should I find myself excessively triggered. I want to learn about your triggers so that I can be sensitive to them.

I aim to practice active listening and non-violent communication, and to model techniques that I have gleaned up from a number of luminary relationship coaches. I am open to your requests which will protect your tender heart, even if they seem whimsical or unnecessary.

I have seen ways that my triad has worked to stay strong and hold itself together: as disagreements or misunderstandings between two people arise, the third person can lovingly intervene, reinterpret, and break the cycle. All of us will have this opportunity to be the intermediary from time to time.

You have my commitment that I will play this role with the best of intentions for all of our well-being, and in the face of ambiguity, I will assume love, as I have seen only love from you so far.

So, noble king, I will work to be a cherished guest in your resplendent kingdom, and look forward to laughing, playing, dancing, exploring, and communicating with you along this magical journey, wherever it will take us.

With love,
Your brother


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